So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
