You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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