quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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