come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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