Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
