if i can run in heels then i can drive
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
