apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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