I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
