I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
