Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Less talking, more tequila
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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