why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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