Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
