I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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