I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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