You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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