i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
