It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
