After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
