Betty ford says i'm here all night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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