3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
