I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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