I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
