I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
