someone get that fucking seahorse.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
