This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
