well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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