I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
