I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
