I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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