Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
