last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
