Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
