Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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