I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
