Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
