i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
