Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
