Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
