Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
