I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
