Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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