Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
