I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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