I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
