Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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