So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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