You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
