If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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