I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
