I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
