im six kinds of drunk right now
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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