Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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